"Sabrina, you're a freak"

I've realized I can be overtly judgmental. Perhaps I've always been this way which is unfortunate. Is it wrong to have (at least in certain regards) high standards?

No. But I can't let "standards" in any way compromise what are otherwise human reflexes.

I've never read Lois Lowry's the Giver, the soft science fiction novel that won the Newbury Medal in '94. It's set in a peaceful utopian society where all elements that would induce any sort of chaos, any sort of uproar or unpleasantry are suppressed. Deeper surged into the story, it becomes increasingly evident that this quiet, calm, one world is actually quite dystopian. I wonder why.

"I tried to make Jonas's world seem familiar, comfortable, and safe, and I tried to seduce the reader. I seduced myself along the way. It did feel good, that world. I got rid of all the things I fear and dislike; all the violence, poverty, prejudice and injustice, and I even threw in good manners as a way of life because I liked the idea of it. One child has pointed out, in a letter, that the people in Jonas's world didn't even have to do dishes. It was very, very tempting to leave it at that."

Reminiscent of Brave New World's soma poppers, the people of Lowry's world take pills as a means of control.... pills to numb, to fight emotions. Any feelings that may cause conflict, discomfort... Anger, rage, disappointment, sexual and otherwise romantic notions. These pills prevent "stirrings" as Lowry so poetically puts it.

"Stirrings." I think I live for the "stirrings." My happiest moments are often my most enraged. Enraged in an enamored, passionate sense.

If there's anything else that I learned last night, other than the fact that I need to try and be less "critically" judgmental, it's that maybe I don't have to try at all. Maybe being judgmental isn't necessarily a "bad" thing. Maybe being upfront, and forward about one's thoughts and feelings - anger, rage, passion is a "good" thing. It's a human thing afterall. I don't believe in holding back those emotions that are boiling in one's heart, that are conquering one's brain preventing them from ever pushing said feelings to the back burner just to pretend to enjoy a night out. Who said that such protocol is rule - in order to have a good time? Discomfort is actually comforting for me. In an existential way, it reminds me that we're living and breathing and not just going through the motions of life. In a world where we must smile and be so very Stepford to mask what we're truly feeling out of worry that one might "ruin" an evening or in any case "damper" the mood, is no world I volunteer to be a part of. But unfortunately, we never really choose the world we live in... But we can exert tremendous influence over it. Look at Mr. White Rich man... he basically created the face of the current state of humanity today. Impressive, as it is so very sad.

"Inappropriate" be damned. However unfair it is - thankfully in our society - a society where we spend billions on war, even more on dieting, and a sensational amount on dramatised reality...nothing is inappropriate and that comforts me as sick as that sounds. On that note - fuck apologies.

In the same way I believe that any sort of utopia in contradiction must have bad, and violence and poverty and evil and conflict in order to achieve some sort of worldly equilibrium. In order for there to be balance. We can't all just wander the Earth in a sedated daze... with no passion, no desire. Because without passion and without FEELING there is no philosophy. There is no real knowledge. And knowledge is power. WIthout power we'd technically be undead. You can't orgasm when you're undead.

Lola

- Last night I had this outrageous urge to watch X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Delighted, I found it online. Fly your freak-flag folks. As Logan (Wolverine) so righteously displays, as dangerous as it is, it's rather liberating.