Well neither do I. However, one can argue that desperation for acceptance and perfection technically is "normal." Note, there is a fundamental difference between being normal and being normal from a societally functional standpoint. I really enjoyed grade 11 soc. It was one of the most beneficial and informative of all of my high school classes. That, and growing up learning to function in a massive family has prepared me amply for the real world. It will no doubt continue to help me navigate, cope, adjust and proceed forth in the workplace, with friends and any other community of people I am surrounded by, through any such difficult, and possibly questionable terrain.
I'm just musing here... so bear with me. I think when the person you hate to love tells you something about yourself that's really offensive... I think it's probably the truth. The kind of truth that really rips apart one's character, one's humanity. The kind of truth that (hopefully) makes you question oneself and what one does (or don't even think to do). And consider if in fact what this person says about you (even though they are essentially the devil in the end and you shouldn't listen to them EVER for the sake of your insanity as a woman), consider what you are, how you are... consider if it's true. But what's worse is one who is so stuck in their own deluded vortex that they wouldn't even think to look inward. "Why?" I ask myself sometimes. "Why?" Maybe what I think is sensible, isn't sensible?
Luckily I don't hate to love anyone, so I'm usually just making these speculations about others.
I love waking up in the morning. And I love going to bed each night looking forward to waking up in the morning. I feel like finally I'm getting back on the productive, all around, track I was always meant to be escalating along. I hiccup here and there, but it's only "normal." Understandably so.
Having decided to sleep in an hour extra, and still manage to get completely ready in half the time (!!!) and still get to work with time to spare, I was feeling so excellent this morning. And then something stupid really set me off. And when I allowed it to resurface at the end of the night (and with one, comes all - remember every little thing) I just breathed in and breathed out and reminded myself that one of my greatest strengths is to block out the negative... I used to go a day without even thinking about one negative thought. I hope to reach that point again. Please let me reach that point again. Will. I want will.
I warn you. We are living in a masquerade. We rarely see what is real, but just a change of masks.
Think about someone who annoys you or has annoyed you in the recent past. Don't ever tell them they're annoying or that they've annoyed you because annoyance is not the fault of one person - it involves two parties - the annoyer essentially, and the (often radical) standards of the annoyee as well. I know this, because my own standards are often ridiculous to the point of radical. (I blame my insane Italian roots). Back to my point. Being told you are annoying is hurtful.
Another personal goal - I just want to be aware of those that are helpful and supportive and let them know they are wonderful people. I don't do this enough. That's it, I'm calling my sister right now. Fucking wonder woman.
Lo
And to all other women - whether wonders or wallowers - let's try and keep our panties untied shall we? If not for your own sanity and self respect, for the sheer benefit that after I wake up feeling great.... you don't dampen it with rain via txt msg. Thanks.
1 comment:
well i'm trying to catch up on all the fantastically insightful/creative blogs that i missed over the past little while and this is just the first of many.
i appreciated this post and just wanted to add that R and I often talk about people's inability to look inward and the problems that can create... I believe self-reflection is important both for one's growth and one's ability to function well in relationships/society. I think you were saying that too...
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