I actively avoid measuring up other women because I firmly believe comparing one's own physical exterior with others, those I know and those who are strangers, connotes the most devastating of evils.
Regardless, life is not fair and I fall to the greatest of faults and I commit the one crime I try so hard to avoid. Moments when I've felt absolutely beautiful as if I could compare with the best of them, were fleeting... few and far between. Flash in the pan, fifteen minutes of fame.
Makeup and hair don't even hide the fact anymore that I am not a leading lady.
I am aware a lot of females I know believe that their major challenge in life is that they are seen as "just a pretty face" or "just a piece of ass" which I'm sure is at its worst a tad irritating. But at least they're being noticed in some way. And I take this moment to remind myself that this is not the way I should long to be noticed. However, I am but human. A hungry, hormonal human.
I snapped at a friend of mine the other night. I just hate it when my naturally thin friends act as if we're both on the same page - both the same size, struggling with the same issue. It's one thing that hurts me the most. I hate it when people play dumb to spare my feelings. I dragged her in my bedroom and showed her a painting hanging on my wall - "The Birth of Venus." I recently purchased two versions of the print - one of the original, the other a Warhol of just Venus' face in black and orange. And although I absolutely love both works, I favour Botticelli's tempura on canvas from the 1480s. It depicts the goddess Venus ascending from the sea as a full-grown woman. She's naked and her body shape is traditional of the curvy women portrayed in the arts of the 15th and 16th centuries. I hang it over my bed and I look at it to remind myself that great and powerful artists (those fucked by divinity) believed that this was beautiful... even if it was centuries ago. And I told her, "this is not what you look like." But when I undress, this is exactly what I look like.
lola.
- When I write, I almost always feel very strongly and positively about the quality flowing through my fingers and onto the blank page. I have tried many arts, but story and ideas feel most innate. When I write I feel honest and emotional and I do not look to any others to craft the way I compose because it's guided by something internal, spiritual. And in these moments I forget that I am conventionally ugly, because this talent... this attribute is most beautiful when it's no makeup, no hair, no clothes, just fucked right and natural.
1 comment:
At the end of high school and the first few years of university, I had terrible acne. It was so bad that I had to go on serious medication for almost a year to clear it up. But there are some days when I look in the mirror and all I see is redness, uneven skin, and blemishes and it makes me feel horrible.
We are our own worst critic. What we see is not what others see.
I'm not being disingenuous when I say that you are absolutely lovely and one of the most beautiful girls I've met. I understand where you're coming from, though it may not be in the exact same way.
I'm not sure if it's correctly attributed to her, but I like this quote anyway:
"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely stupid." - Marilyn Monroe
xoxo
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