Where are you when you're not here?

I have very recently gotten addicted to French reality-TV. In particular this one called 'Secret Story', which I'm told is a lot like Big Brother, which I wouldn't know, having never seen Big Brother.

So I'm reading about it on (English) Wikipedia and, I gotta say...the rules are fucking stupid and it's ridiculously complicated. Like, everyone has a secret and you have to guess their secrets and if you do you win a thousand euros, I dunno...look it up. But that's the most idiotic game I've ever heard. Also, all the contestants look like Euro-trash underwear models. And fucking Europeans...they just behave differently...like, they're crazy. But I dunno...are North Americans crazy too? Please answer this question, I'd really like to know.

I am very, very North American. No doubt about it. I like cowboys and cows and ranches. I like root vegetables. I like East coast awesomeness and West coast...uh... I like the Pacific Ocean. I like driving on the right side of the street and I like discouraging public drunkenness. I like Mormons and Utah and Hutterites and Manitoba. I like English much more than British and I like y'all and apple pie and sports that aren't soccer and Halloween and Thanksgiving and languages that aren't French and uptightedness and personal space and donuts and processed food and whiskey from Tennessee and chicken from Kentucky and children who don't drink wine and trailer parks and black people who don't speak French...lol, jk about that last one. I like ANYONE who doesn't speak French. What a snotty fucking language.

I don't know where I am right now, but wherever it is...it's got a computer.

Imagine a search party going out to look for me and they just find me, dressed in seven layers of knit Cosby sweaters, sitting in some sleazy Internet cafe, stoned out of my mind on either drugs or insanity, continuously typing up blog posts describing what I see or think in minute detail while cosplay porn enthusiasts and WoW losers persue their geeky, obese heart's desire.


Whatever.

Yours,

I


If this post were a sign, it would be flashing neon green and yellow and maybe a bit of pink.