Happy Birthday to the best mother in the world...

I can't sleep. And I think it's because of you.

As soon as my head hits my pillow you pop into my mind and stay there. These thoughts are not evolving, or revolutionary in any sense. They're fading thoughts. You're in my mind, but each night my visions of you are becoming less and less detailed. Now they are simply just "of you" not necessarily "about you." I see you. I don't really hear you, or feel you. But the idea of you lingers.

The "what if" scenarios are on pause, the longing for you to visit me is becoming less and less of an inner desparation.

You have become simply just a thought before I sleep.

Except sleep doesn't come easy.

But why?

What is it that I still want? What is it that I need from you? Something you cannot give, this I know.

Perhaps it's my own self-disciplining self, furious with my fading thoughts. Why must they fade?

This is a big deal. You are a big deal. I'm numb. But I wish I wasn't.

But I know you think that's what I need to carry on.

I read this and it made me feel better (whatever "better" really means.)...

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

xoLO