Earlier, I was talking about defense mechanisms. I think I can be standoffish towards something I want (to try) out of fear. Out of shyness of being on the spot. What if what I'm thinking or what I have to say isn't as interesting as my often "roguish" demeanor may suggest? What if you're really not interested in what I do...or how my day was... you're in it purely for the game? But aren't I just in it for the game too? Didn't I start this game? Or maybe I didn't? There's no way to know for sure.
Maybe I'm always so cautious of doing anything too bold because I know people talk. And I really don't want to be talked about because when you're talked about - the "you" they talk of isn't really you - it's the "you" they see and want to see with their own pair of glasses, usually fogged by subjective, really ridiculous subjective that just assumes everyone over the age of 20 wants to mess around, and more specifically - HAS messed around.
Can people just stop telling me sex "isn't" a big deal. K, that might be the case. But it's not that I think it's a "big" deal, I just don't want it. I've never wanted it. I'll want it when I want it. I think once I do something monumental - like publish a book, or get a promotion, or move to Los Angeles or New York or France (except not really France because I can't speak french) then maybe I'll want it. It'll be my reward for a job well done. I've always been work oriented. I've kind of wired myself that way. I like to work. I feel like I have purpose when I'm working. I can control it. Fix it. Shape it. Yet I can go where the wind takes me too. I often do. (And believe me, this is purely a personal thing. Im sure people a lot stronger can multi-task and juggle all sorts of escapades professional and romantic. You're probably one of them - Me on the other hand, I just haven't learned to juggle yet."
Oh and I'll freaking judge whether it's a big deal or not ok. And I kind of want it to be a big deal. Inari told me something last night that really resonated with me, regarding all of this. I was going to explain it but I just decided not to because people will read too much into it. Anyways,
I get it. Every so often the sky trades the moon for the sun. It's called "rebound." So the sun may not seem as serious and emo and as "I want to slit my wrists even though I have a rich perfect family" as the moon, but the sun is a big fiery ball of rage and it's burning. So don't get turned off if the sun's a little harder to get to. And it takes some time to feel the heat. BUt then again do I really want to be with the sky if it's been with the moon? Oh and my "be with" isn't your "be with." It's a largely more G-rated version of all you sex maniacs' meaning of "be with." So relax. It's all just make believe anyways.
I really don't do. I just think.
It's 9:52 AM in downtown Toronto. The skies are cloudy and they're calling for showers...
xo
1 comment:
The last paragraph...fantastic. Your blog is my most favourite.
And I have teared up many a time during our conversations, too. Trust.
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