Mes Amies

Often I am unable to operate in a thick of noise.

I suddenly see a thought bubble from last night. I'm in the center of a dance floor, a commotion of hot mess and hip hop. And I'm dancing - working that pink feathered boa knowing in my right mind that it's ridiculous; wearing this boa in a public venue such as this fails to collect any sort of kosher attention. But because I'm aware of said faux pas, I'm saved by the irony.
I see myself dancing but I'm also thinking. I'm analyzing my surroundings and how I feel about everyone and who I'm with and how I feel.

In this thick of noise my mind operates. It surges through a sea of realization - truths about identity that I feel strongly for. It's funny, isn't it? That some of my most profound actualizations spawn during moments such as this. Clouds of thought floating over chaotic, bawdiful waves of mindless vertical fucking and looping auto-tune.

In this moment I saw myself having fun with my friend with barely any alcohol, zero attraction to any member of either sex, nor the satisfaction of onlookers sending invitations of dishonorable intentions with their eyes. I was having fun because of the friendship. The laughing. The ass-shaking. The sexless debauchery of the feather boa.
And in the thick of it I remembered how fruitful "carefree" can prove to be. The opinions of those potential onlookers do not matter in any way - as much as we think they do. I do not need to waste my time improving myself for others. I must return to improving myself for me. I recall phases where my love for myself was inherent - sent like a chemical signal others picked up upon. I can't fight to get that back, but I can earn it.
And there it is, self-love is fun-love. Self-love is real-love.
How easy it all becomes when you return your focus to yourself.
How easy it is to breathe and to be, when loving yourself returns to the front-lines. And I mean front-lines, because all battles are for freedom.

In time, suddenly, you're free.
And once you're free (again) everything you always longed for - the stuff you ailed for - will simply come to you. And when it comes, it'll come as what the french call a "Tour de force."


Private Lo