Antenna

We're standing there, Joe and I, like idiots with a radio. I don't know why he brought a radio but he did. He does stuff like that. Goddamn! It even has an antenna - I just noticed it. If he pulls it up and turns it on I'll freak. I'll freak! I'll freak out so bad he'll have to tie my arms behind my back, gag me with a pillow sheet, and force me to the ground. ...Or a tree.

He pulls the antenna up. I don't snap. I just swallow, turn and stock off before he even gets a chance to touch the dial.

And then I hear it. The shameless voice of a boy scout calling after me. And when his voice cracks I feel even more like lying on the train-tracks, than I already do. He's shouting my name. When he says it it sounds like something classic and perfect like "Sarah!"
"....Sarah!"
And as much as I wish it was, it's not.

I try to block it out but he catches up to me... Touches my shoulder so that I face him, but not in any way threatening. He'd risk it all to rescue a pigeon from a rat trap after all.

I glare at him and roll my eyes. He's looking at me. But not staring. So kind and perfect - and so annoyingly oblivious to that. He's an innocent.

Again he says my name. I hear "Sarah." He need say nothing more, the inflection alone asks, "what's wrong?" "Sarah what's wrong? What can I do Sarah?"

I shake my head.

He nods... starting to get it... probably thinking I want nothing to do with him. Ok. He gets it. He'll accept it. He'll turn and he'll leave and he'll just let me alone.

...

But he doesn't leave. He's stopped looking at me too. Now he's looking at the trees. He doesn't get it. He doesn't get me.

"You think no one gets you," he says. His voice sounding so guilty, as if he just said something inappropriate. I can tell from his face, he's worried.

And then it just fell out of me... "You wanna know what my theory is? About all this? About everything? The secrets of the universe?"
I continue.
"You wanna know what we all do?
...We talk.
We talk.. And, we walk.
We sing and dance.
Kiss and fuck.
Build and break.
No more.
But certainly no less.
Everything else? It's all just variations of the same.
...And as complex as you think this is? THink I am?
It's actually quite simple."

He's looking at me, but not in my eyes. "You think so?"

I nod.

"So now what?"

"Leave."

"No."

It's the first time I've ever heard him say the word.
It's my turn to talk.

"I don't wanna talk," I say.

"Ok. What do you want to do?" He says my name at the end of his question... but this time I try not to hear Sarah... but my real name.

I take a deep breath. "I wanna do what people do when they don't talk."

After a moment we turn and walk, but this time together, leaves crunching under our feet.
He turns on the radio and it plays an annoyingly perfect tune, like it's the end of a scene in a movie. As lame as I know he knows I think that is, I really like the song.
And how clammy his hand is.

***
Lola
- I wrote this on my ipod while walking home from No Frills. Man, so much of my writing is inspired by walks home from No Frills...