I've been on it for almost 4 months now and it's making me feel worse and worse everyday.
I flip and I flop. One minute I rule the world, the next I feel my love handles spilling over my once beautifully fitting skinny jeans and I feel absolutely disgusting.
Do you know what it's like to feel disgusting?
Fuck voluptuous women's bodies. Fuck child bearing hips. Fuck bigger boobs.
Fuck big is beautiful.
The only reason you embraced these changes with me was because you were still a size 2.
Shallow I may seem, but it's only because I'm angry. Angry with myself. How did I let this happen??? HOW!
Women are innately enslaved to themselves and it's been like that for centuries. Enslaved to our own standards. Our own ideals. But I like my standards. I like what I think is beautiful. But what I think is beautiful is not necessarily the way I want to look. I don't want to be able to feel my body when I move. I want to feel that comfort I once felt when I sat on a couch and wasn't worried about how much bigger I looked because my FAT was spread over the cushions.
Since when did I become the biggest person in the room? Since when did I become the woman who would cause offense if wearing a bikini in public? Since I started Alesse that's when.
Girls are vicious. Absolutely vicious. I know how they think and compare. "Don't worry about her. She's fat." "You're wayyyyy hotter than his new chic. See the size of those thighs?" "That girl shouldn't be allowed to wear jeans like that." "Sorry we don't make dresses over a 5." "Look at her scarfing down carbs like they;re going out of style. Take a moment to breathe." Oh and the infamous, "He can do so much better."
SHUT UP.
Why are MEN at the center of all the issues women have with each other? FOR SERIOUS. Why am I even on birth control? I don't even have sex. Not the kind that involves another partner anyways. I'm much too insecure about my body for that.
I've resisted the temptation to stop taking the pills for long enough. I've resisted giving up. "I've come this far," I thought. "It will only be a matter of time."
It is afterall, some sort of rite of passage, right?
I thought the side effects would eventually regulate. I thought the 20 pounds (!!!!) and the cravings would go away. But they haven't. And I'm sick of this.
I want my self-control back. I want my unshakable discipline.
For too long I've hid the fact that my size and my body bothers me. It bothers me. Think what you will. Think I'm shallow. Think I'm weak. But I'm not. Because every other person scrutinizes the way they look. So why can't I?
Or even more, why do I think I can't? Who puts this pressure on me to appear like I am a certain way, who doesn't care about "trivial things"? That I am beyond petty self-involved issues? Because I'm not. I'm a human being!
I suppose it's no one other than myself.
So for that I apologize. To me.
And to you, If it ever felt like I was blaming you for the pressure.
-Lo
I wish I was never made fun as a child. I wish I was never called fat. I wish you never called me a "fat ass." You know how that feels? Disgusting.
But it happened. And things happen for a reason. I strongly believe that.
And take away all of my petty issues, and really I wouldn't want my life on any other path.
2 comments:
You are, and always will be, a total babe.
I haven't noticed anything different about you, but if getting of the BC will make you feel better, then do it. No point if it's a total downer (stupid hormones).
And this: "He can do so much better." Stuff like this is total bullshit. Not everyone graduates with the rest of the class, you know?
"It is through art, and through art only, that we can realize our perfection; through art and art only that we can shield ourselves from the sordid perils of actual existence." - Oscar Wilde
I love you Ashley.
xo
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