Deadbeat Cookery - Spicy Face Pasta

For all of you herbal enthusiasts, this is a tasty, savoury way to enjoy your herbal-infused butter. Herbal.

INGREDIENTS:

pasta, frozen california mix, hot sauce, powdered cheese mix (optional), canned whole tomatoes (I like the No-Name brand stewed tomatoes, but any kind will do), salted butter, herb-infused butter, oregano, salt and pepper to taste.

Notice how there are no measurements? That's because you can put in as much of anything as you damn well want.

WHAT TO DO IN WHAT ORDER:

1. Bring pot of salted water to boil. Add pasta. I recommend using only just enough water to cover the pasta...this way you will avoid the tedious draining part before you can add the flavouring.

Nifty tip: Vegetable fusilli has the benefit of being both nutritious and colourful! You will definitely come to appreciate the second part.

2. Once pasta is done to your liking (i.e. al dente or mushymushy), add the frozen california mix.

(You can of course use any frozen vegetable you want, but ABSOLUTELY DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE use FRESH vegetables of ANY kind. This completely changes the chemistry of the recipe if you do, so God fucking help you if you do. You can use frozen peas or frozen green beans or frozen corn or even canned corn if you want to, I don't care, but if you even so much as CONSIDER throwing in a couple of fresh veggies, you might as well just stick your head in the oven because THAT'S how much it will change the recipe, I swear to God. I'm serious. This is not just some arbitrary rule I made up.)

3. Add hot sauce.

4. Add cheese sauce and/or oregano and/or salt and/or pepper.

5. Add butters. Mix well so that they melt, unless you pre-melted them in which case Good for You, Mr. or Miss Foresight! Here's a shiny fucking gold star to stick up your ass.

No, seriously, if you pre-melt the butters, that's quite impressive. Good job.

6. Simmer everything and add tomatoes. Simmer MORE!

7. Mix mix mix.

8. Pour into bowl and mangia, mangia!



There! Wasn't that easy? If you want to take it a step FURTHER and make this banquet-hall certifiable, you can throw it into a loaf pan, cover with bread crumbs or cheese or bacon or more FROZEN vegetables and bung it in the over at 350 until it's GOLDEN BROWN or DARK BLACK, whichever you prefer. That would be a good time to disable the smoke alarm.


Yours, as always,

I


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