In response to Lo's question, my last kiss was on a couch, upside down, wet, awkward and too too guilty. Never again.
My dad told my cousin that I was writing a book. I'm thinking 'What the fuck?'
I'm thinking 'Hmmm...'
I'm thinking 'Well, is it really that much of a stretch?'
I'm also thinking 'Gosh, when was the last time I really spoke to my dad?'
There are so many digital post-it notes on my desktop. Half of them are stoned stark-raving ravings. Some of them are mere blips of thoughts. One of them is a quote:
"You have your pen. You have your notebook. You have soft skin and you have your mind. That's all you need. Keep it. Don't let anyone take it away from you, because they will." (Vincent 77)
It's a little paranoid, sure. Who is 'they'? The tape, the parents, the friends, the advice, the French-Canadian psychotherapist who texts you as you ride through the prairies.
"How are you doing, Inari?"
Me: "I'm kind of sick. Back in Toronto soon. Are you available Friday?"
She took that as a bad sign.
This past week has been a trough of lows. Bad, bad, persistently bad moods. Then the weekend. Happy Birthday Lo! Great night, exactly what I needed. I still feel fractured, weird-feeling and hazy and kind of lost....a self-conscious self-consciousness to borrow a term I read in an article about a guy who ended up killing himself.
...
I told him I was going to be drug-free by January. I told him I was scared.
He said "I'm proud of you."
That made me very, very happy. Of course I've been smiling ever since. I'm such a dork.
-I
Good advice: Sun-dried tomatoes are awesome and healthy. Eat them with everything.
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4 comments:
So glad you exist.
I'm curious about this "he."
And I'm wondering if the fact that he was a "he" contributed to your happiness - after he made said endearing comment of course.
We shall discuss.
I'm in an extremely feminist anti-sex bitch mode at the moment.
i hope my curiosity doesn't offend you.
You know, it's interesting that you should bring that up because Adele and I have been discussing my relationships with men - all men - and I've concluded that I am one of the mass of girls who just craves their attention. Not even in a sexual sense...just all senses. Something about an emotional neglectful, mildly absent father psychobabbblepsychobabbleblablabla...
Of course it helps that I kind of love this 'he'.
But no, not offended. Of course not.
Oh man! (no pun intended)
That must have been such an intriguing dialogue between you and Adele.
I especially love the "psychobabbblepsychobabbleblablabla..." part
because seriously - that shit probably helps answer so many nagging questions.
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