Last night I was resized for a new brazier. I lifted my arms and a lady clerk wrapped a measuring tape around my chest, below my bust, across my boobs etc. And the entire time all I was thinking about was how I wouldn't mind going up a cup size. In fact - I'd prefer it. A thought, one year ago I would have never, EVER had. Ghastly, it would have been! But now, the idea of bigger boobs, it'd be kind of righteous. More "adult"... more "twenty-two." ;)
I've never been a "boob" girl. I've never been an "ass" girl either. And it's probably because I used to suffer from flat-syndrome. Mosquito-bite-flat-syndrome. As a chubby child I guess I had a "chest" before most. I even remember a bunch of girls on the schoolyard amused by my pre-mature 11 year old bosoms - pressing into them with their hands as if on buttons or a doorbell, or one of those push pod lights as seen on late night tv ads. Such a weird thing to have happened, to look back on - but it happened. And then once 13 hit all of those skinny little girls with no boobs (but an uber perverted boob fetish) became C cups and in comparison I became flat girl. And everything seemed to change. They were on their way to becoming women. And I was kind of a clob. I just invented the word "clob" to describe how I felt and looked (and sometimes still feel and look) because the way it sounds signifies the essence of my feelings at the time. You know how words can just do that? Capture a feeling? Insinuate and connotate? I love that. Clob. How do you think it means? How, what. Clob. Kind of awkward. Not thin. But not fat. Not developed, but not under developed. Not really feminine. But still kind of womanly. Clob. Think about it.
Anyways, apparently I'm past this flat-syndrome misfortune now. It's like a semi-awakening has happened - a neo-puberty revolution, if you will.
And it all makes sense. I feel my age. I even look it, more than ever.
Allow me to geek out for my next statement: Transformation is so cool.
Transformation allows a single soul to live many life-times and have many identities over one span of life. We go through phases - changes - developments. In a way, the growth and phases of an identity compares to the growth and phases of a musical band.
This upcoming year is the "Moxie, mystery/blond magic" tour. It's far from melancholy. Far from blue. It's exciting and new.
***
My 22nd birthday is in 8 days. This is always a sensitive time for me. Sometimes I get sad and lonely and nostalgic for all birthdays prior to my 18th - prior to "adulthood."
But this year things are different. Hell, I look like a completely different person.
And I wouldn't say i'm satisfied, because that seems almost impossible being a Libra and all, but I am however, happy with this climb that I'm currently on towards satisfaction - towards betterment, enlightenment, success, sex etc.
Since I love words (because words can take me anywhere, feel anything) - the following is a list of words that seem to define what it means to be almost 22, to be 22:
- moxie
- mystery
- magic
- blond
- sangria
- woman
Numbers mean nothing. You feel as young or as adult as you choose to live... but there's always something exciting about a birthday. I'm excited. It's exciting.
Yay :)
xo
el oh.
intelligence is knowing others, wisdom is knowing yourself.
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