remember when I drove you home; remember the sugar pie?

Ever replay conversations or events over in your head?
As time passes some details seem to fade and others grow with fabrication like cobwebs or dust in the corners of your room. ...Or maybe they grow like something prettier. But cobwebs can be pretty.

Sometimes on those rare occasions when I'm back in the town where I grew up, I go for these thoughtful (kind of) mellifluous drives. I pass by the different landmarks I had passed a million times before in the past... or maybe even just once or twice.
The Avondale... Mosquito park, Mossimo's Pizza, long-boarders, blockbuster video, Holy Ghost ... Chippawa park. The list goes on and on. But wherever it may be and however many times I've driven by... these things trigger a reel of memories complete with their own cast and soundtrack. Complete with their comedy, tragedy and coming-of-age family drama. Complete with there romance and lack thereof.

I recall these memories and sometimes I even replay them out as they would have happened had I been the one with the happy ending at that point in my life. Had I been the one to peak so early on. As momentous and beautiful as these rewritten memories are - they just couldn't have actually happened in the flashy ways of the re-edited versions. They weren't HD or Blu-ray. They were VHS and they didn't happen any other way for a damn good reason.

Sometimes time and "waiting" can frustrate these memories to surface and we think... "Was that it? Was it me who didn't take any sort of chance to try and make things more full-filling?" Was I a passive protagonist? I don't believe in this and I don't believe in placing blame on the protagonist for not being able to control their surroundings. I don't believe in punishing the entire film if their conflict is more of an internal psychological crises. And I happen to be a fan of the open-ended ambiguous final scene. I happen to root for the perspective of a hopeful future... however blatantly ego-fuckingly metaphoric it may be.

Yes, we can take matters into our own hands... but we do what we do and arguably if we don't do certain things... how much could we have actually wanted to do them?

Hmm...

Or maybe a stronger force was preventing certain things from happening while creating other obstacles and goals at the same time, so that the grand scheme of things would be leading to a greater and more climactic life later on... Perhaps everything is out of our control! Maybe I believe this. Maybe i'd like this very much.

Looking back, I anticipate nothing could have been different. It just wouldn't have ever worked or been any other way. (My life so far, i mean). I have foreseen most of the achievements and tragedies of my life. I would even go so far as to play them out in my head, lying in bed as a child... sleepless (which was actually unusual for me at the time). But when they finally did happen, I'd remember playing it out when I was little. I would compare the reality to how I imagined it... and often it would never be very far off.

Thinking back, it's quite ominous really when you recognize that you understood that certain omens were coming... you just didn't know when and how it would really affect you. But it affects you. It makes you YOU. A "you" you sometimes can't explain in words. A "you" you thank God that you are... even though it involves a lot of pain. A lot of pain that comes out at any time at any moment... sometimes even when you're just sitting in your yellow kitchen talking about mushrooms and spinach with Inari... And it makes you cry. I'm talkin' tears like cannons yo.

It just makes you YOU. A "you" that sometimes makes you hard to be around... And more than that... makes you easier to be around. It's weird. And I know a lot of people don't like the word "weird" and they slate it right up there with "interesting" but I like the word weird, because most of us and most of the unexplainable are and is in fact weird. Well maybe not "in fact" but you know what i mean. ...Or do you?

I miss butterflies. I miss endless conversations. I miss giving a fuck, you know?

Why do emotions either spike or plummet? Apathy is a form of procrastination I swear to God.

xoLola

If I were any fabricated memory I would be: your prom date and the AAAA Motel. (Ohhh memories...)