"I'm skeptical, but happy" (-via txt msg.)

I just went flying down the stairs.

I was wearing my leather boots with competent traction, I wasn't running or skipping, rather walking at a steady, yet efficient pace. Therefore, my falling was no fault of any of my actions, but more-or-less a fluke. But I don't really believe in flukes. Do you?

Any other person would have broken their collarbone... perhaps twisted their ankle... fractured their wrist, or at the very least broken a nail. But after a serious wind-knocking, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, fixed my bangs and proceeded to my pre-determined destination. For a woman who doesn't consume much dairy, I barely felt a thing. Am I unbreakable? Sometimes, it quite possibly seems that way.

But the troubling part for me however, is not the ominous possibility that the outcome could have potentially been quite worse, but the very fact that it happened at all - that I fell. The act itself is frightening. It just goes to show that no matter how careful you are, no matter how much you work to prevent "bad" or "wrong" things from happening, they can happen anyways and they will. Maybe we even want them to.

I'm reading Chuck Klosterman's latest book of essays "Eating the Dinosaur" and as usual, his words flow through my mind, as if they were my own. I can't believe how similar our ways of thinking are... I even identify with the spills and the orders of the stream of consciousness of his digressing asides and footnotes. I guess guys named Chuck just get me. (Chuck K, Chuck Robertson, Charlie Brown etc. etc.)

I was actually pleased to discover Chuck (K) had finally married. I thought to myself, "Well I'll be, there's hope for someone as analytical and as married to their writing, as I am to find true meaningful, sparks flying love in the form of courtship afterall." See, Chuck isn't one to marry just any old broad. I believe that Love (and LIKE for that matter), like happiness or sadness is not something you decide or decide based on a need for fucking (like an overwhelming number of divorcees - not to judge or anything)... Love/Like is something you feel involuntarily. It can evolve, but generally, it just happens. It conducts internally. Chemically. It's not in the control of the mind, but of the blood pumping through the heart. And I've seen this. I've seen this in some family and friends who I know feel real love. It's unfolded before my eyes. It's nice.

In several moments in "Eating the Dinosaur" Chuck contemplates "why" we do things... why we say things. What's it all for if it's all generally purposeless? Why do we talk? Why do we flirt? Why do we make jokes? Etc. Which got me thinking about why I blog, especially since somepeople may read this and react like, "shut the fuck up." So I must explain something right now. Why do I blog? It's not like an overwhelming number of people read this thing? Well firstly I love writing, and I blog usually because something's spilling from my mind and it feels good to get it all out. So why not write in a journal? Purchase a personal diary? Why do I put it all out there on the web? The ether? Well I'm not wholly sure why I want my daily musings on the web, just in case people that "matter" are actually reading this. But if anything... it's fun because of that sheer possibility. You get me?

And I know I often have a tendency to be cryptic and use subtext and symbolism without actually saying what I mean... but I'm a film writer! And it's "funner" that way. If I came on here and just said what the deal is, and who it's about, well that's boring. I like the fact that saying "The tree is going crazy right now since I've avoided watering her" - I like the fact that some random could possibly stumble upon that line and boggle their mind trying to interpret it. I'm still trying to interpret it! What's life without interpretation!? It's fucking white walls and beige tile. It's 90 cal breakfast bars. It's ill-fitted dockers. It's women name "Star" and "Skye." It's lame.

As an aside - people usually don't water trees right? Usually it's a natural process, and mother earth gives rain to save the trees from their thirst. That adds a whole other layer of meaning to the line above. Just something to think about.

I'm going to be overtly and ridiculously cryptic for a moment. Indulge me. Some decisions are not that easy. Some decisions involve innumerable factors. They involve tiny little pills that some of us do and do not swallow. But regardless if we do or don't, we will still fall down the stairs. That possibility never goes away. And eventually I will fall. And it will hurt really bad. Well, MAYBE it'll hurt.

There's a sweater I find irresistible. I've probably said in the past that I dig this sweater. I'm looking forward to the possibility of wearing this sweater. Maybe even this week. But at the same time I'm not going to wear it. I know this.

What does it mean when someone says, "I'm skeptical, but happy?" I think it means they're starting to realize I'm not the ideal candidate at all, but still a nice person. As long as I'm still nice.

My laundry's ready!

- Lo.

(If I move a certain way... my collarbone actually throbs. But only a little. :)