"I saw a fox this morning. And I had to tell you"

Think about old friends. Not lifelong old... but old. Toronto old.

I'm starting to realize maybe who I thought I knew, who I thought I trusted isn't who I really know... and who I really trust.

I have a friend... I used to give her a hard time because I didn't feel like we meshed very well, like we'd be friends beyond our circumstance. But every time I see her now she's like... sunshine. Yes, sunshine! She's like really real. And she likes what she likes, and she is the way she is because that's the way she is and she doesn't hide it. And we're all balls of insecurity but she really isn't as insecure as everyone makes her out to be. I actually think she's a lot stronger then most of my female friends. And she's hilarious and precious. And I love knowing she's close by. I love sharing my day with her. I love how she doesn't judge me and my weird quirks and disorders. And if she does I love how she doesn't show it. I love it.

And then there are my new friends. New friends that feel like old friends. That say things like, "OH! I remembered what I had to tell you! I saw a fox this morning." It's bizarre how you can know a person for such a short period of time and they feel like your family. They get you and it's just comfortable to eat lunch with them and muse about every babe and every bitch and every bad thing. It's honest. I love how I can meet a person and within an hour of knowing them I can share my saddest secrets and I trust them to value them - and vice versa.

I've also realized that I don't have one male friend (besides mon père et mon frères) who's as honest or as true as any of these ladies. In fact, it's probably my fault as I don't take any of my male friendships seriously. Does this make me a bad person?

Perhaps it's a complex, as I do not sincerely trust any of my male "friends." This has likely been and will be the challenge of any and all of my romantic encounters. I shun commitment to any male-female bond, whether platonic or sexual. There's too many politics involved, and maybe I'm the one creating half of the spiderwebs, and for that I am the one perpetuating these politics clearlymaking me an incompetent politician. It's hypocritical of me to say I hate flirty guys because "tease" is basically tattooed on my ass, but I don't like flirty guys... and yet I don't like it if they won't respond to my flirting. Perhaps further, my problem is the fact that I am slating all guys - guy friends and guy randoms - all under the "they" category. And who's ever really a fan of "they" anyways?

I realize this post is rather bland and unimaginative. It's more of a cluster-fuck of miscellaneous thought probed by the sentimental tunes I am listening to, and the conversations I've had with good friends as of late... but I just needed some written catharsis before I fall asleep to the passing cars outside my window and the poems of Robert Burns.

Sleep tight y'all.

L. Anarcha. N.