Sexless in Camaguey City: A “Karen to Your Hank” Complimentary Piece

Normal reasons to skip going to the gym: Sick, Tired, Sore, Twisted, Pulled, Broke, Busy.

I stayed home from the gym because I thought there was a mouse in my running shoes, so I flipped a cardboard box overtop of them, and have left them that way overnight. In the morning, I perch up on my computer chair, and poke around at the box. I scare the shit out of myself when I think I see the mouse’s tail poke out, but in actuality it was just a shoelace.

So I guess you could say I am a pretty paranoid person.... Maybe an over-thinker, with a wild imagination. It comes from being a writer. Or from having an abundance of X chromosomes (Or 2 anyway).

And so of course I will wildly over-think what my “ONE” is thinking. He is after all, an ocean of inexplicable thoughts, never to be fully explained.

Excerpt from IF KEY-LIME PIE COULD SCREAM:

VIDA
So he thinks I look good, and therefore that I must be having sex? He obviously thinks that I COULD be having sex. And shouldn’t he be thinking about whether or not he’s having sex with his finance?
MARGE
There was enough sex in that thought train to be on the cover of Cosmo.
(beat)
And trust me, nobody thinks about having sex with their finance.
VIDA
I wish that was true.
MARGE
Oh it’s true. Velveeta, I’m not trying to give your destructive thoughts clout, but I promise... no man in the history of the universe, has ever masturbated while thinking about the girl he is currently with.

Now I go to the advice of one of the wisest people I know.

There are three reasons for any action:
1) The reason the person thinks they are doing it.
2) The real underlying reason
3) The person’s ulterior motive.

The underlying reason:
Men will hang onto the women they have fooled around with as a safety net in the event that their current relationship does not work out. They keep them close for this reason, but always at a distance. When the girl starts to drift away, the man will do something to pull her back to that comfort zone, but still without letting her past the barrier.

I want a guy who finds me interesting because I AM INTERESTING, and not just that he finds me interesting when it’s him doing all the talking. I want a guy who doesn't yank me around just because he has power over me, a guy who doesn't second guess, but instead is in awe of every part of me. And as much as I want to force this quality upon the guys I already know. It seems...

Ugh.

Desiree

If I were a quote from a movie I would be... “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”