i was at the computer, reading lyrics from the screen. I was singing star spangled banner. I wouldn't say I'm much of a singing talent, but the american national anthem is my exception. You were in the kitchen - probably stirring sauce or cutting apples. These actions will forever be synonymous with you (the feeling of you nearby).
and you were listening. and you liked it. you hummed along. i did everything around you. you saw me do and say the most vulnerable things a person could imagine. the most embarrassing. it astonishes me how any of us function without you? you may have been losing since i was 8 years old, but you were the rock. you were our rock. oh captain, my fucking captain.
i had a thought that maybe i wouldn't. but i knew i would on this day, ask the questions that rape me continually. (probably voluntarily too.)
i had a thought that maybe i wouldn't. but i did anyway.
how many times did I yell at you? how many times did I grab you by the wrist and say, "fuck off and die"?
how did I do it? What's wrong with me?
i never meant it. not once.
http://www.poetry-online.org/whitman_o_captain_my_captain.htm
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