Workin' on my night moves

Just as I feel myself again getting sucked into a cyclone of self-deprecation, a baron island of seclusion, some nowhere land telling me, convincing me I have an anti-social problem because I often don't feel like going out, talking to boys, or dating those persistent suitors - the vacuuming winds desist.

Sometimes I worry that I have an issue. The kind of issue other people may seek a therapist for to uncover a way of rising above and beyond whatever inflames this issue - whether it is an anxiety that routes back years (maybe even to childhood), an insecurity I'm unwilling to admit, or simple...blissful (cough pretentious cough) apathy. Ok, I may have an anxiety - but by no means am I apathetic. I am no longer in that impassive melancholic phase I was some while ago. I've been fruitful, and still I am thirsty for more treasures, whether they're self-made, serendipitously wrought, or mined from the natural cornucopia that is planet Earth . Or the universe in its entirety for that matter.


I was reminded once again last night that I am a social, flirtatious, energetic dynamo WANTING, lusting, and hungry for some good clean sensuality - for connection with other human beings. And it's my sister who once again opened my eyes.

My sister is a person in my life who makes me want to count down the hours of my work to see her, to go out and hang out with her at the end of the day. She is a woman I think about all the time - wondering what she's up to - how she's doing. Once I find a guy like this, she reminds me, I will want to be that dynamo all the time. And let me tell you. There are currently two dudes on the roster. I don't really know them - but the last time I genuinely got jazzed, got hot, got excited about someone romantically (and it really has been years) when I started to like them i hardly knew them. It was pure crazy magnetism - pure infatuation - which i'd argue leads to true love.

True love and true desire doesn't make a lot of sense this way - but it kind of does. I believe actual chemistry can't be forced - it's biological - innate - INSIDE. We send messages with our mind - with our aroma. We are animal that way. Always animal. Animal is truth.

I met these guys and I just knew that I'd dig them without learning about them - learning to like them. Learning is for intelligence. Feeling is for connection, for friendship. For kinship. For sex. Perhaps I'm simply a romantic this way. Even if you end up falling in love with a person you hated, for example, I believe that deep down inside - some part of you - some molecule secretly knew, and the stars were playing epic entangling games to get you together. To get you to talk, touch etc. etc.

And perhaps that's why I'm currently crushing on these dudes... neither gave me that much attention - neither really showed any major interest - neither checked me out or are really that attainable - seeing as they live 4 hours away - one of them very Kevin Arnold-esque, the other kind of an asshole to be completely frank. But, who the fuck is Frank, anyways. I dig assholes. Not literally - figuratively. Well... actually who knows. I shouldn't speak too soon.

So until I see them again - which could be months - they will continue to cross my mind. I will get excited to hear about them - or think about them or wonder about who they are - really ARE.

Until then I will continue to remind myself that I am one Betty that ain't got no sexual issues - cuz I'm human - and technically having "issues" is human. It's all just useless syntactical frustration. Which is kind of hot.

I dig bloodshot eyes and a mind that sees everything backwards and forwards and inwards. I dig catching fruit with an open mouth like a plastic ball and plastic scoop. I dig quiet guys who suddenly bust out some Seger with such little efforts it drives you mad. I just dig last night in general.

AHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHH

at the end of it all, i thank roxy for reminding me that there is a woman outside of this mind of mine.

knock knock.
who's there.
el oh el eh.
xo