Danny, the Irish Bar-Tender

So it goes like this.
Not to degrade this serious medical condition, but I suffer from some sort of acute bi-polarity. We all do to a certain extent – mine just seems to be more extreme and more at random than several others. It’s often difficult to explain my change in moods towards certain people and I’m forever apologetic. I don’t ever want to be the bitch, but sometimes you’re just born with bitch inside you and when it rears its ugly head (and it is ugly as you can see from previous posts) you get hot and bothered and jealous and again, you have no reasonable explanation as to why. It’s a chemical jealousy.

But I refuse to censor myself to myself – hence I will not take down or delete any incriminating, self-loathing, or “bitch-driven-against-those-i-love” posts because I’m a big supporter of the honesty-party (however contradictory that allusion may be).

That said, this week has been considerably wonderful regardless of the storm cloud above my head. And to be honest? I blame it shamelessly on PMS. It seems I have intense attitude every so often (like clock-work) when it’s a full-moon or there’s a high-tide or whatever you call it.

xoLola

I'm a fragile egomaniac.

Why do I do the things I do? Why do I help people?
Because helping people is good and I will forever try to make up for the bad child that I was. But what I need to learn is that often the "good things" I do are not good for me. Why would anyone in their right mind do things that work against them for the sake of making up for some void that is gone and will never return and that I'll never be able to help. Why do I help you? Because sometimes I like to.

Well I hope you have a good weekend. I really do. Cherish every God-for-saken moment. Because one day you might see her die. Lliterally. You'll be holding her hand and singing Day Dream Believer. And the smell. It'll be unbearable to say the least.

Things change. Thank you Eye Weekly for making me feel better after this week of being haunted by some skeletal fiend of neorosis who burns allllllllllll calories by 5 am and loves it. Absolutely loves it. Envy is a dangerous thing. It's like I'm envious of that ambition, but would never EVER want to trade places. Oh my God, never. GAG ME.


Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
What's this? You don't have to drag yourself out of bed and cry your way through your morning coffee? You actually smiled on your way to work? (Yup!) Energy levels are rising and so are your spirits — and those of everyone around you. It's like you finally figured out that you're the star of your life and that it's about time you started to act like it.

Happy Thursday!

xoLOla

Praying for some salvation, Cause she's just so bored

The internet is an infectious, evil device. It subjects us to an abundance of information we eventually believe that we need, because we have such infuriatingly easy access to it. The internet is a cornucopia of beautiful shit that says, "touch me." So we touch it and it feels good, and then we're left with poison ivy. Or worse yet, herpes of the melon.
If it's out there for us to see, hear, know, beat off to - what kind of lazy fucks are we if we don't capitalize on the freedom of such information and use it to satisfy some sort of hunger within ourselves?

You know what I really like? What really gets me going? That thrilling sensation of being teased by the idea of satisfaction... the possibility of opportunity dangling above my nose. I reach for it and it pulls away. Not yet... Not yet!

Just wait. Wait for it.

There will come a point where what I want could quite potentially happen. And I understand that in order for it to happen a lot of people's lives will have to change along the way. But then again, it's nothing that hasn't happened before.

I remember the days of having to buy postcards of my favourite band at the corner store in order to look at pictures of them. What!? What was that? We will never see those days again. My blackberry, after all, is synced to 3 different email addresses, all of which receive updates for various forms of fandom in which I so sheepishly engage.

Goodnight.

xoLola.
Favourite tune of the moment: Hole's "Skinny Little Bitch"

Note to self: block out the moaning, but not entirely...

Lo, this is a list you should refer to every time you need to remind yourself of healthy positive habits to nurture and assist in your aspirations to develop a prolific, mindful routine. Your friends probably won't mind reading this either.

1) Take your time and don't feel guilty for taking your time. Something that's rushed and "done" is the result of a neophyte.
2) Write EVERYTHING. All your thoughts. Every moment, object, picture, scene, line, word, look in the eye. Keep a hundred lists all over the place in no specific order of ideas about the same thing... Eventually you'll have to sort through all of this ramble, but it's worth it for the value of one of those little gems you'll rediscover when you start to really focus on your story.
3) Don't be afraid to chuck ideas or even reuse ideas! Remember, it's cool to be green. Thank the hipsters.
4) Write characters you want to make love to, it'll make the writing experience a hell of a lot more exciting. Trust me. Sometimes I have to take a minute and compose myself. Dirty girl.
5) Determine whether you're a masochist or sadist. This will help immensely. And if you're conscious of this while writing... it really will enrich your work with identity.
6) Your ideas are not always your own. So make them your own.
7) If people in the apartment above you sound like they're having sex and/or masturbating to bad trib porn and you're trying to concentrate - put on a song with a tone you hope to embody in the scene/story/post you're working on and listen to it on repeat. It will not only mask the sex sounds, but will inspire your work.
8) If you have friends who are bitches (and I'm not talking about any of you AM, AF or GC so don't EVER think that) cut them out. And don't feel guilty for cutting them out.
9) Don't feel guilty.
10) Lastly, spill your guts and then get people to read it. And don't feel the need to preface their reading with any sort of warning/clarifications etc. If you wrote it feel good about the fact that something's written and is clearly good enough that you're getting people to read it.

xoxoLo

- I think, one day, I'll write a manual.

pseudo-haiku

Will you leave too soon?
The garden, the grass left behind
You'll see her, won't you?

Health is an 'f' 'u' 'n' letter word

I wouldn't trade healthy for a superficial beauty beyond my natural control. Substance is the enemy.

Lately, I've caught myself thinking regularly about a certain someone(s). Thinking and feeling the way I did in high school towards this(these) individual(s). Call it silly, call it a meaningless crush. But whatever the condescending label - know this - this thing, this feeling, adds an energy to tedious daily routine that otherwise wouldn't exist. The lone, fleeting thought bubble or incredibly bantam possibility that I could in fact fling with this guy(s) injects a rush of adrenaline through my arms and coats my emotion with I guess what is often described as "thrill."

He (they) thrills me. And above all else it feels fun. I feel fun.
I want to have fun.
And I won't apologize for my means of fun because in the long run, as I have learned before, this will not hurt anyone except myself. And hurt is all a part of the health. Or so I'm lead to believe.

xo
Lo

Gem & the Holograms

So many people lack originality it pinches me a million times and makes me want to upchuck.
I shouldn't waste my insides on the dry, the flat, the moor.
I should climb a mountain. Or at least continue to.

I hate plain and boring.
I hate that even over this annoying, accelerating volume I can hear your putrid voice and see that face that isn't yours.
I need a quiet space. And quiet time.
I need an oasis left of nowhere, full of somewhere.

I need prayer, however sacrilege my actions prove to be.

Where has all the unique gone?
Why are all the gems so far away?

xoLo