Sometimes I want to take my toaster in the bath...

"You wanna know what your problem is? MTV, Playboy, and Madison f--king Avenue. Yeah. Let me explain something to you, OK? Look, girls with big tits have big asses, girls with little tits have little asses. That's the way it goes. God doesn't f--k around, he's a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits and the skinnies little, tiny niddlers. It's not my rule If you don't like it, call him...(Looking at a Penthouse magazine) Oh, guys, look what we have here. Look at this, your favorite. Oh, you like that?...Yeah, that's nice, right? Well, it doesn't exist, OK. Look at the hair. The hair is long, it's flowing, it's like a river. Well, it's a f--kin' weave, OK? And the tits, please! I could hang my overcoat on them. Tits, by design, were invented to be suckled by babies. Yes, they're purely functional. These are silicon city. And look, my favorite, the shaved pubis. Pubic hair being so unruly and all. Very key. This is a mockery, this is a sham, this is bulls--t. Implants, collagen, plastic, capped teeth, the fat sucked out, the hair extended, the nose fixed, the bush shaved... These are not real women, all right? They're beauty freaks. And they make all us normal women with our wrinkles, our puckered boobs - hi Bob - our cellulite, feel somehow inadequate. Well, I don't buy it, all right? But you f--kin' mooks, you think if there's a chance in hell that you'll end up with one of these women, you don't give us real women anything approaching a commitment. It's pathetic. I don't know what you think you're gonna do. You're gonna end up eighty-years old, drooling in some nursing home, then you're gonna decide, it's time to settle down, get married, have kids? What, are you gonna find a cheerleader?...If you had an ounce of self-esteem, of self-worth, of self-confidence, you would realize that as trite as it may sound, beauty is truly skin-deep. And you know what, if you ever did hook one of those girls, I guarantee you'd be sick of her... No matter how perfect the nipple, how supple the thigh, unless there's some other s--t going on in the relationship besides the physical, it's gonna get old, OK? And you guys, as a gender, have got to get a grip, otherwise the future of the human race is in jeopardy." - Gina Barrisano, Beautiful Girls

- L o xx

Crushing silence crazy pills

Trouble tremors nighttime sounds
Witching twitches on the grounds
Full of moss and patty mounds

-I

Damp to touch

Let's beat the dead horse, shall we? It's FUCKING SWELTERING. UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHH! The air feels like goddamned jelly. And not the good jelly. The gross flavourless shit they use to make halo-halo. I'm currently suffering from mild heat-induced insomniac hallucinations. Are oil paints supposed to slither on their own like that? What? What what? Ahoy hoy here!

On the bright side, I'm currently unemployed. Which isn't a great bright side because I do like to eat occasionally, but it's a bright side because I'm happier, nicer, slightly healthier (coffee...you are the secret gay sex to my Evangelical minister) and much more productive in terms of the thinking and the creating and the general art-ing that I've been meaning to do for the past four years but has sort of gotten sidetracked in favour of film school. You'd think film school would lend itself well to making art...for me, it was just incentive to abuse substances like all get-out. Which isn't as great to the artist's life as you might think.

So I'm painting. Huzzah! And I'm writing. Hooray! And I'm reading and listening and watching and observing and thinking and it feels...fabulous. No. It feels...liberating. I've been thinking a lot about self-determinism lately and I enjoy deciding my own fate. I think I used to be the type to fizzle in the face of too many options, and sometimes I will slip back into that mode, but now everything seems like an adventure into which I'm willing to lose myself. It's great. I hope it lasts. You'll be the first to hear if it doesn't (knock wood).

I'm currently working on another blog-type endeavour that I won't reveal until it's got more of a generous back-catalogue. I'm excited. It's a smallish project, a mere digestive biscuit of a snackum, but I like it. It's one of those no-pressure little things that I used to do in high school to avoid doing my homework. Those projects are always the most interesting because they're always so unpredictable. Look at Lost in Translation. Look at Chungking Express.

Well, off we go. Wish me luck? No, that'll jinx it.

Yours,

I

If I were a podcast, I would be...Culinary Advice for Out-of-Work Stoners

Va Va Voom

It's like that scene in those movies when the melancholy girl whose lost everything falls into that dark druggy drooling abyss, wears black shit on her eyes, gets all skeletal and weird - She doesn't paint anymore, or eat apple pie anymore or dance anymore. Her spirit ashed out like a cig in a styrofoam cup.

She disappears.

Poof!

But...

but then...

She doesn't give up on herself... (Cue Rocky theme song here damn it!)

And when she returns (somehow healed and healthy) - she's always blonder, a bit fleshy with dewey sugar plum skin. And boy can she rock a pair of acid wash Levi's and birkenstocks.

Crowds part like the friggin Red Sea.

Watch out Britney.

I love that scene. I love that new healthy girl.

Healthy is sexy.

Va Va Voom kind of sexy.

When I was a little girl CJ was my favourite on BayWatch.

Okay - the point ....

A little disclaimer -- I strongly dislike sentences that start with "you just gotta..." and for all those who also despise that... I strongly and genuinely apologize for my next rambly thought...

But somehow... we just gotta know who we want to be, and how we want to feel - the kind of spirit we want... and go after that! "What God gave us" is kind of a questionable statement in this case. If what God gave you blows chunks, then go out and change it! Change it to what you want, and to who you want to be!

Not who you think you want to be... but who you've always wanted to be... how you always imagined to feel.

When you do it... it's brilliant. You feel like... you. This big, beaming ball of spirit.

SPIRIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The challenge is to be honest with yourself. I think anyways. And to stop trying to please people. I dyed my hair. I got a friggin tattoo. I can't be everyone's pure perfect little librarian girl anymore. I just want to be me. The me that loves California and tacky tans. The me that reads OUT LOUD and wears tons of mascara. The me that dances to the radio, paints till 4 am and drinks OJ. The me that LOVES being with her friends. Talking with her friends... even if it's about nothing or even if we sing the same old songs. It's fun!!!!!!!!!

No more wasting time!!!

xo mother lovers,

-----LO-----

If I can do the impossible - I would eat a piece of my mother's warm, initial marked apple pie, right now.

Your soul is the tar to my drowning dinosaur

Liopleurodons at dusk

resemble
large-finned turtles

sans shell




-I

A million petals and a million more thorns

Do I have a rant in me? No, no, not really. Except to point out the obvious, which is that nobody is as special as they think they are. "I'm kind of weird." "Don't mind me, I'm crazy." "Everyone kind of looks at me funny..."

Everyone thinks they're weird. Well, you know what? You're not weird. You're blindingly normal. You're not special. You're just a boring, unoriginal j'moke. Just like the rest of us.

That's my main beef with hipster culture. It encourages people to think that they're cool and original and special collectibles. But none of us are cool or original without the benefit of hindsight. As long as we're alive, we're just going to be poor imitations of dead people.

888888888888888888888888888888888888888**************

Shit I hate that I have absolutely no control over:

People who pay in dimes and nickels and say 'I just want to get rid of my change'

When someone says "It's so funny..." followed by something that isn't funny at all

People who decide to ask a whole slew of useless questions to the sole clerk working a store while a big line forms behind them

Childhood sweethearts who reunite in movies when they're adults like no time has passed at all

Mushrooms in lasagna

Coffee Time

Bookstores that have no databases (what the fuck are you good for???!)

Canvassers

Unsolicited advice

"Meh"

"Fair enough"

"So?"

"Whatever."

"Ok...."

********************************8888888888888888888888888888888888

I'm watching 'Crank' at the video store right. I'm not totally paying attention to it, but it looks fucked. I didn't realize it was this fucked. I think I like more than I thought I would.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^_^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Sushi

Fruit flies

Dogs on the street who won't let me pet them

Those fucking Greenpeace/Sick Kids/whatever other charity clipboard-holding assholes that break my stride

Nausea

65432198774185296315975315375948642698429538627513216549878523692587413215823

'Crank' is craaaaaaaaaazy. Honestly. Jason Statham, well-fucking-done. How many franchises does this asshole have? More than Guy Ritchie, that's for damn sure.

Haha.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&?????????????????????????

Beef stew made with potatoes baby carrots bay leaves chicken bouillon onions and maybe some Worcestershire Sauce if I can find it at midnight. Considering this is Toronto and you can smell bread baking at 2a.m...that shouldn't be a problem.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

What else is there to say? Nothing. Maybe I should just stop talking then.

K.

Yours,

I


If I were Jason Statham, I would....fuck you in the middle of Chinatown.

Blame It on the Boogie

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. Repost as "my life according to (band name)".

Stolen from Inari & Lola - SEE BELOW

MY LIFE ACCORDING TO MICHAEL JACKSON (yup, it's the easy one):

Are you a male or female:
Beautiful Girl

Describe yourself:
P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing) who’s been Workin’ Day and Night and wants to Scream because she can still Remember the Time before you Beat It

How do you feel:
You’d expect me to say Bad, but actually I’m kind of Off the Wall

Describe where you currently live:
Heartbreak Hotel

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
I Wanna Be Where You Are

Your favorite form of transportation:
Ease on Down the Road

Thought for the Day:
Childhood (Theme from "Free Willy 2")

Your closest friend?
Another Part of Me but Who Is It

You and your friends are:
We Are Here To Change the World

What's the weather like:
Can’t Get Outta The Rain - August better be sunnier than July

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Human Nature (and it’ll be a Thriller)

What is life to you:
You Can’t Win but You Are Not Alone

Your relationship:
I Just Can’t Stop Loving You

What do think of when you think of love:
Dangerous especially when They Don’t Care About Us

Your fear:
Cheater and The Way You Make Me Feel

What is the best advice you have to give:
Say Say Say

How I would like to die:
Blood On The Dance Floor

My soul's present condition:
Can You Feel It... it’s Unbreakable but in a State of Shock

My motto:
Fall Again

Des

If I were the "____ of Pop", I would be... "Diet Can"

Give peace a chance, you motherfucker

There is a necessary dark in us, a necessary cotton-wool-like layer right under our skin that stifles us and makes us too warm and irritable like babies left to bake in the back seat of a rusty sedan.

You begin to wonder if it REALLY necessary...because while we use it to protect us, we don't realize until it's too late that we're dying of thirst.


Yours,

I


If I were a secret, I would be...the skeleton in your closet.